Angusland: Santa Cruz' Rules of Blackjack

A hand that has Doubled Down. (Wikipedia)

Stay sober. So obvious it apparently needs to be stated

in 30 foot high letters of fire. The odds are against you by rule. The house is

against you by design - and that design is pronounced "Al-co-hol". There is a

reason why the drinks are free, the cocktail waitresses wear push-up bras and

why casinos install bars every 50 yards. And that reason is pronounced

"Pro-fit".

Play to have fun. Sitting down at a blackjack table with

the intent of winning is a sure recipe for a short night and a long face. The

necessary mindset is to play freely with the money you have set aside for this

purpose. If you lose it (and the odds are that you will), then you had a good

time doing it. And there is no way to win without the mindset that you are not

afraid of losing. (This also applies to Life, by the way.)

Know the game. If you want to have fun at blackjack, it

behooves you to do the math. Know the odds for each situation beforehand: This

will help you break even. And know when to Split and when to Double Down: this

is where the opportunity to profit comes in.

Play the last position at the table. This way you see a

lot of cards before you have to make a decision, which increases your odds. And

being on the wing means that you only have a smelly drunk and / or smoker on

one side of you.

Play at the appropriate table. If you only have $100 to

spend that night don't go to the $25.00 table - you only have 4 minimum bets,

you'll be tense, and you'll play conservatively and lose. That is what happened

repeatedly at the Rotating Guest Chair of Death. And why it was known as such.

It's is an art as well as a science. Under the hood

Blackjack is a simple spreadsheet of odds. But that's not much fun. So I also

go by feeling. I vary my bets. I take risks occasionally if the energy is

right. It is this mix of the coldly calculated and the deeply mysterious that

make casino blackjack so fascinating. The opposite of this of course is playing

frustrated. If you get mad at the table you start playing recklessly and voila

you lose real big and real quick and you get really mad at the dealer. And then

the Security goons repel down from the ceiling and drag your broke ass away and

break it some more.

Pocket your profits. This is THE key. I play at the

$10.00 tables mostly, and whenever I get a winning hand from a large bet or

from Splitting or Doubling Down I am rewarded with a different color chip.

These go immediately into my back pocket, where they stay. So during the whole

evening it appeared that I was just breaking even. Just once though, when the

pitboss was changing the cards, I asked Tracy the dealer to 'color me up'

because it was getting uncomfortable to be sitting, literally, on all of these

profits. When I pulled out my stash the frat boys gaped in astonishment and

then set up a deafening chant of "Santa

Cruz! Santa Cruz!" When Tracy the dealer stopped laughing she gave me a pretty

purple $500.00 chip and I put it in my back pocket and sat down on my stake again.

And that shut up the frat boys - for awhile.

Stay focused. This would seem as obvious as staying

sober. But casinos will go to any extreme to grab your attention AWAY from your

rent money on the table. Above each table at New York, New York is a big screen

High Definition TV tuned to a sports channel. And each table is tuned to a

different one, so in view for each player are about 3 different sports

highlight shows. Add to that the thumpin' soundtrack pulsing throughout the

casino (Tracy and I harmonized on old Culture Club and Scorpions songs), the

super hot cocktail waitresses and the concoctions that they provide and you

have the perfect storm of distraction: Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll AND Sports. Oh,

and play the tables, not the machines. Even though the Blackjack machines have

less distraction, they are also super boring. And people vomit on them from

time to time.

Be nice to your dealer and don't piss off the pit boss.

Face up blackjack means that you never (and I mean never in 30 foot high

letters of fire) you NEVER touch your cards. Once your bet is in it's little

circle you don't even put your hands on the table. Instead you indicate your

intentions with a couple of simple hand gestures. And there is a reason for

this. A reason that the pickled frat boys kept forgetting. They kept announcing

their intentions, loudly, until Tracy had to lean over and proclaim very

distinctly: "The. Camera. Can't.

Hear.

You." And that shut them up. For awhile.

Walk away when you're done. Have fun and lose your

gambling money. That's what it's for. Then go see the shows, ride the rides and

campout in the buffets. Maybe actually open the book that you brought from

home. When the chips in front of me are gone I call it a night, whether or not

I have any profits in my backpocket. Furthermore, I have a set amount for each

day that I gamble, so I don't blow it all on the first day. This time though I

had to leave because after 12 Sprites from Jen I was cramping and my bladder

was the size of a baseketball.